Arrest that lunatic

[Torben]

Broar Hofarson formally calls upon the Deputy of Public Harmony to arrest Erik Stargazer upon the charge of 'Being a threat to Public Safety (and Harmony!) and a psychopath'.

[Ondurga]

My dear Broar, calm down. What has happened? Has Erik slighted you again?

Ah. I've just heard the news. Let me know if you'd like me to show you which end of a battle axe is the business end.

[Insterda]

Broar,

You will need to submit more evidence of how someone has threatened the public safety and harmony if you want me to make an arrest. Being a psychopath is not a crime in itself.

I am aware he declined to duel you. That in itself is also not a crime.

Formally,
Insterda Jarlvasdaughter

[Erik]

To Insterda Jarlvasdaughter,

I fear that the well known coward Broar Brownpants is trying to mislead you. I did not decline to duel him. He accepted my challenge, which my fellows agreed had cause, and then ran away rather than fight.

I can assure you that I am inclined to be a peaceful person, but surely no one of honour is expected to accept the insults which Broar has cast upon myself, my tribe and my regiment without protest?

He has now joined the cult of Chalana Arroy, which protects him from having to settle matters on the duelling grounds (and also from facing the foes of Boldhome on the battlefield). He is therefore safe from his otherwise justified chastisement.

Erik Stargazer
Ten Thane Colymar Cavalry

[Torben]

To: Insterda Jarlvasdaughter
Deputy of Public Harmony

Noble Deputy,

Hello, once again! I've heard that psycho Erik has recently been in contact with you and compounded his sinful vice of bloodlust with the added misdemeanour of being an outright liar!

He says that I was a coward who ran off! What a pile of horse dung! Nothing could be further from the truth but it doesn't surprise me that the fellow blatantly lies as he seemingly is indifferent to the moral codes of society that the rest of us live by. Allow me to tell you the reality of what ACTUALLY happened......

So, there I am, a man who has been subjected to a scurrilous challenge by combat, upon the flimsy grounds that the wretch claimed he'd been insulted! All I said was that the Colymar have a personal hygiene problem and everyone knows that to be true, have you ever passed by one Noble Deputy? If you have then you'll know they stink, all sweaty and unwashed like, so where's the harm in saying the truth? Trouble is the fellow is too touchy, no sense of humour, one of those miserable types who can't take a statement in a light hearted way. No, it's all "Let's fight, draw your weapon" nonsense. I already told him about my passionate desire to join the peaceful cult of Chalana Arroy, how I'd already given his mate and regimental superior, Afur, a sound beating a month or two before, and that I was retiring from the old duelling business, undefeated, to focus upon a life of serenity but he didn't care.

Now, despite being a man of peace, I'm also a member of the Malani Tribe, you've heard of us no doubt and you'll know that most people refer to us as the 'Massively Manly Malani' due to the fact we're great warriors and always give the foe a good kicking, so to speak. In fact I, as already mentioned, am undefeated upon the duelling field, none have managed to best me and I retired from it with my head held high.

However, you can see the dilemma here, Noble Deputy, me a man of honour who fears no other and is very keen to defend my honour and give Evil Erik a good beating, as I know I would have easily won, BUT, at the same time, a man now pledged to a life of peace and harmony. What could I do, should I fight, should I not turn up......?? Then, as luck would have it, I happened to bump into a travelling Chalana Arroy High Priest who stopped to share a few words with me, I don't wish to bore you with all of the conversation so allow me to give a quick overview -

Spoke to the High Priest, told him of my dilemma, asked for advice and he said "Your devotion to blessed mother Chalana is clear, despite your obvious martial ability and honourable nature, confidence in success against this psychopathic fellow you mention, I sense you seek to demonstrate how zealous you are by adopting Chalana Arroy's restriction against duelling before you're even a member! Bravo, wunderbar, splendido what a marvellous chap you are and I sense a great future ahead for you, both within our dear cult and in your overall life. I believe I see a future High Priest in the making and a future Deputy of Public Harmony. May the Mother bless you dear Broar, you don't fight that duel, you stay true to our Goddess's commandments, there is no shame in that, only glory. All you've got to do is think up a plan to avoid any fighting and Evil Erik's blood shedding and all will be ok. I know you're a man - a REAL man, not one of those woofty ones who goes off with other men - a man who can come up with a plan so I'm not going to tell you how, you just think of it". Having said his piece the High Priest wandered off on his way and I was left to ponder upon his wise words.

Hhhmmmhhh....I thought....how can I avoid the brutish fighting......I lapsed for a moment to my other cult experiences, those of the learned and all wise Llankhor Mhy.....what would old Llankhor do if he were in my place I wondered...? Then, it came to me...of course....ha ha ha...why hadn't I thought of this earlier....it's a no brainer! I'll cop Evil Erik with the old "Hey, what's that behind you? Is it a dragon"? line, the oldest trick in the book BUT Evil Erik is too stupid to be able to read a book so he won't know it......and, I was right! The imbecile fell for it, hook, line and sinker and I proved my honour by turning up, duped him and his stupid Afur friend, and was away in the comforting arms of Mother Chalana before the idiot even knew what was happening!

So, Noble Deputy, that is what actually happened I avoided any law breaking, avoided brutish fighting, avoided Erik's bloodshed AND stayed true to blessed Chalana Arroy. It's pretty clear, given that explanation, that I'm not a coward but instead a hero, a man of honour, wisdom and peace so that totally poo-poos Evil Erik's false claim.

Please don't believe any of psycho Evil Erik's lies.

Sincere and loyal regards,

[Torben]

My dear Broar, calm down. What has happened? Has Erik slighted you again?

Ah. I've just heard the news. Let me know if you'd like me to show you which end of a battle axe is the business end.

Dear Jarrek,

Calm down....calm down.....I'm always calm, my friend, calmness is my middle name! We in Chalana Arroy observe a peaceful outlook upon life, happiness, tranquility, serenity etc etc so you need have no worries about me in that area.

Sadly, Evil Erik has slighted me again by ridiculously claiming I'm a coward but I've had a word with the Deputy of Public Harmony and it's all being sorted out. My reckoning is that Evil Erik will be arrested, tried and executed before Earth season is done and dusted so I won't have to worry about him much longer.

Best wishes,

Broar

[Torben]

Broar,

You will need to submit more evidence of how someone has threatened the public safety and harmony if you want me to make an arrest. Being a psychopath is not a crime in itself.

I am aware he declined to duel you. That in itself is also not a crime.

Formally,
Insterda Jarlvasdaughter

Noble Deputy Jarlvasdaughter,

I deign to humbly suggest that plentiful evidence already exists and many a good folk will attest to such, may I suggest you ask my good friends Erinestra, Grumbold, Jarrek, Lavi and Malvolio...oh, wait...hang on, no forget Malvolio he's a bit tied up at the moment, literally. Just ask any of the rest of them and they'll let you know all about Evil Erik.

However, as you seek further evidence, what about this one......did you know Evil Erik is....well....how do you say it....errr..a bit light in the saddle, ummmhh.... plays at home a lot.....come on, help me out here.....ok, look...did you know he's one of them 'woofter' types...G.A.Y...! Yeah, it turns out he's knocking off this other woofter guy called Gnarg Derdason, apparently the pair have no shame, strutting around those seedy places the Colymar frequent, seemingly not a care in the world and doing all that touchy feely stuff that is meant to be only between men and women.....not two men....euuuurgghh....yukky!

So, there's got to be a law against that sort of carrying on, right? Surely that can't be legal?! I mean, can you imagine it your Noble Deputyness, two blokes, getting 'down to it', a pair of bottoms an all that, not nice, smooth, peach like botties, like what a lady has, but two, hairy, sweaty asses just there, staring at you.....shudder....tremble....god, no.....

My advice is just add that to the charges and bring him in asap.

Loyal and sincere regards,

[Insterda]

Surely that can't be legal?!

Broar,

Let me remind you of the myth of The Six Paths:

When Orlanth ruled the world, he brought many peoples under his banner, uniting them in a great kingdom ruled by his son, Vingkot. With everyone brought together as one, the differences between people became obvious, just as the differences between mortal and god had become obvious once death had come into the world.

There were many disagreements about who did what work, as the Korsto Viv said it was the responsibility of everyone to wade in the rivers to gather fish, the Aranto Viv declared that only they would cut down trees, and the Ched Durkel refused to fight entirely. These had all been acceptable ways when they lived in the Stagnant Age, but now everything was different, and they were now Vingkotlings, and their traditions needed to adapt to the changing world.

Orlanth was the first Lawspeaker, who determined the laws by which the Vingkotlings would live, and once again his son called upon him to organize the people. Orlanth was uncertain at first, for the gods were not like mortals, and lived in their own way.

He summoned his ring, to listen to his advisors as a wise king should, and they debated and discussed the matter for many seasons, until at last Orlanth had his decision.

"The Vingkotlings shall be divided by which god they follow, in which way they act, and how they live. They shall walk in the path of the gods, and we shall guide and protect them." Once Orlanth declared this, it was law, and so would not be disobeyed.

He assembled five gods together: Himself, Ernalda, their children Vinga and Nandan, and their lover Heler. They each addressed the Vingkotlings, dividing them by what they did and who they were, and invited each group to follow in their path.

The Vingkotlings were divided into five, who knew themselves as orlanthi, ernaldan, vingan, nandani, and helerings. But there were some remaining.
Orlanth addressed them, "have you not heard my words? Have you not heard the law?" And the remaining people nodded, and spoke as one, despite their differences.

"We are not like you, or like the others, we cannot walk your path, for that would deny who we are." And Orlanth understood. To deny them this would be as wrong as denying them any other freedom.

"Then you shall walk your own path, without a patron to guide you. It will be hard without one, but you may find your own gods or spirits to protect you." And they knew they had their own place in society, and strife had ended.

These paths are also known as genders, and we walk in the footsteps of the gods.

Now, Broar, I am aware of the strife between your tribe and the Colymar. Being of the Balmyr tribe myself, I am sorry you are unable to reach an agreement that would end this feud (if that is what it is). But as Deputy of Public Harmony in Boldhome, I will not allow your tribal quarrels to spill into our city. What you do in the Gejay Hills is not of my concern, but what you do in Boldhome is.

Unless there appears a reason for me to act, I will let this matter rest now.

There is always another way,
Insterda Jarlvasdaughter